OWN THE STAGE Remember Fire Instructor Rick Voice – with crowd and area. Take control. ITS A BATTLE EACH TIME (slicks is home turf, can slow down)!
Exhaust all laughs. Take time, set pace. Go slower. Have fun!

Chili in the Air
So glad to be here in VR with all of you. Feel like we are here together… but I had chili for supper, so be glad we aren’t actually sharing the same airspace., Im pretty sure Id be violating at least 2 treaties of the Geneva Convention – collective punishment, and the use of chemical weapons.

Instead, thanks to VR, Im not a war criminal, and the only thing in the air for us to enjoy is laughter!

Trump Transition
I’ve been thinking, Trump really missed an opportunity while in office. He could have transitioned into a woman to became the first female president. And if anyone tried to deny the legitimacy, especially people on the left, he could have called them transphobic.

“This is very sad news!”
“A total disaster”

Mmm Pussy
I was hosting an event the other day, and when I asked a performer what he wanted for an intro, he said to say whatever makes me happy… Okay, here are 3 things that start with the letter M that make me happy … Meditation, Marijuana… and Mmmmm pussy.

DMX
Rap Icon DMX passed away today, and people are already asking me if I have anything funny to say. Like I’d make _such_ tasteless jokes. Up in here… up in here.

Didn’t like that one? Meet me outside, Meet me outside, meet me outside

It’s okay, I left a comment on one of his youtube videos that said R.I.P. so we are good.

Eggshells

It is definitely hard to be a comic here in 2021, with everything so PC, and cancel culture running amok.
I’d say it’s a bit like walking on eggshells, but that’s actually now considered cruelty to animals.

I’m still on the fence regarding illegal immigration humor, we may get into trouble if we cross that line.

Lastly, after much deliberation, I’ve decided to abandon all of my jokes relating to orphanages.

I don’t do jokes about radical extremism… for some reason they always seem to bomb.

Fortunately, I never did have to take out anything to do with abortion. That stuff always got scrapped before becoming fully developed.

Apologies/Offended**
I like offensive jokes, and that means sometimes the jokes I tell are offensive. But, if any of you do get overly offended, for one, you ignored the signs and the warnings so it’s already your responsibility. But I still encourage you to write down your complaints, hang on to them until after the show, and then stick them right up your ass.

No, really, the risk of being offended is an inherent part of free speech, so SUCK IT UP, buttercup. And besides, do you know what happens after you get offended? Nothing. Nothing happens to you and you just move on with your day.

Never do you see doctors rushing a patient into the ER… [do cpr motions] Ohhh geese, They are suffering from 3rd degree offensive remarks to their entire epidermal layer. Quick! We are going to need some avocado toast and some artisinally crafted hemp beanies…. Oh god hurry up… they’re starting to blog!!!

come to Slicks Comedy Club – Sundays at 6 cst, tuesdays at 7 cst. First time performers doing one single joke, to Pro’s working on new material in VR, and anything in between. Also check out the Failed to Render comedy show – feature live pro standup comedy 3 nights a week, right here in altspace, friday’s see me on stage.

Treated like I just got back from the wet markets in wuhan, but you have all been great!

Slicks
[close show- once all guests are done, DRAW IN REMAINING GUESTS! Do more jokes, then once done call that the end of show – stage blocker off, impromptu sets… hang out.]
[doors close – exclusive to whoever is here now, leave cant reenter until next show]
[ricktatorship]
[I’ve had prostate exams that were more comfortable than this]
[Don’t try the veal… it’s made from baby cows.]
[Remember, I am doing this FOR ME! For my fun, I feel better during and after. I dont owe anyone anything, no pressure]
[guess we just had a moment of silence for that dead joke]
[shit, I just got cancelled. oh well, I had a good run]
[re add friend for discord. – please, no unsolicited nudes. I get that I’m adorable and all, but at least try talking to me first.]

[REpeat what people say back to them so whole crowd can hear]
[INTERMIX RULES WITH CROWD WORK – DO BEST TO GET ROOM RIFF – LAUGH OUT OF NOWHERE – get me laughing]
[CHAT-RIFF]
[SLOW DOWN – listen to people’s response during engagement. – BE OKAY WITH SILENCE – better than stepping on jokes]
[re:raise hand emoji – altspaces little joke, out of the blue, no warning, the button has a dramatic new function.]

Tickets please – scalped tickets. Fake tickets – hologram foil. Check clipboard – oh here you are page 2.
Hi, I’m Slick Rick and I am a stand up comic. Welcome everyone to Slicks Comedy Club.

How is everyone doing? Lets make some noise.

YES! There we go!

Let me start by thanking all of you… it is all of you that makes this event fun and special each week, please keep coming. Thank you for spending spend some time with us. [I enjoy doing this and I hope you will continue to keep coming back.

This is an open mic event for comedy. Look to your lower right corner, should see circle around a hand. Below it says Raise hand. Click this, it will turn blue, and this will add you to our performer list. When its your turn you will get invited to stage to perform – tell jokes, funny stories, sing a funny song – typically 3-5 minutes. Unless you are doing really well then you can keep going longer… that’s not usually a problem, someone here might be the first.

Can be scary to raise hand, but this is VR. If your set bombs, you can log out, make new account, fresh avatar…. and bam It never happened.

[Wow, this is something like 40 shows, and I admit, when we started this was pretty awkward and cringey… now I’m proud to say we are now, at most, only one of those at a time.

I see a bunch of familiar faces… of course, this is altspace, so everyone already looks pretty familiar.]

[slow down] Show of hands, who has been here before. Point out… nice… well either we’ve been doing something right, or you are all glutton’s for punishment. masochists… like to see train-wreck.

By deduction, the rest of you have never been here before, either that or you are really lazy and raising your hand requires too much effort.

Other Events
Saw a book reading event today, book was called “88 names”. Chapter 1: [read book] Adam [pause, look around] Alan [pause, look around] Annabelle

There’s another event running right now… it’s called “Does God Exist?”. [pause] Sounds vaguely threatening, doesn’t it? Does god exist?… fuck around and find out!

[Sunday] there’s a VR church event happening right now… if you were looking for that you are in the wrong room. Saints can go there, sinners can come here. Another advantage of the church event, if your set goes really bad here, you can run over to there to find salvation in the lord.

There’s an alcoholics anonymous event on right now… not coincidentally right after the 5 oclock somewhere show.

I saw a new event called Everyone’s a Psychic… I didn’t see that one coming.

I Noticed a support group for people with Invisible Illnesses… but now I can’t seem to find it.

Side note, Apparently someone is going around events offering free anal covid swab tests. He isn’t legitimate, please stop falling for that.

I almost got kicked out of the men of the middle for saying “before I say my point about the objectification of women, I’d like to first say how lovely all of you ladies are looking, am I right guys?”

And, there’s one more event, running right now. Called the King of Comedy, which I haven’t yet been able to check out because I always have something going on right at this time – this comedy show, which has been running for longer at this same slot.

A few weeks ago I actually went to an open mic which had the same host the one from king of the comedy show. Perfect, I got out there, said oh great, I’m so glad that you are here so we can talk about this King of the Comedy show, which you have been running on tuesday nights at exact same time as the only other comedy centered event in altspace on tuesday nights…

Why does it have to be [air quotes]”king” of comedy? Isn’t that just reinforcing the patriarchy? Why not Queen of comedy… or better yet, non-binary monarch of comedy.

Audience Engagement
I went to a presentation on audience engagement here in altspace. There was good info… but the entire audience was muted, the host was in 2D, the slides weren’t working, and the host didnt take any questions, so I left, not really feeling drawn in.

Emojis
Throw up those emojis, let our performers know if we are closer to quitting the day job or not.
I’ve heard people say they have sore cheeks from smiling and laughing. Here, it’s like, boy is my emoji finger tired.

Unmuted

Feel free to unmute yourselves. Someone did laugh at one of my jokes once and Id hate to miss it if it ever happens again.

Turn Off Auto-Level[]
If you do unmute yourselves, please take a moment to turn off the auto level option – Hover cursor over top of the mic icon, take the check mark out of the box next to auto level.

It’s a feature designed to adjust your mic volume, but sometimes it just picks up breathing noises, or lip smacking, or sometimes it makes mystery demonic noises… You okay there guy? Can we call you an exorcist?

Yes, until it’s fixed we recommend turning it off for now, no one want to hear you breath, and for whatever reason, people tend to get offended when we ask them to stop breathing.

It’s You
Side note, if you’ve ever noticed, wherever you seem to go in VR, people around keep commenting about hearing someone breathing loudly… But you never seem to hear the person they are talking about… there may be a good reason for that… that person… is probably you!

Whisper
Keep in mind, If you are new to altspace, your voice carries different here than in the real world, [WHISPER] so as you can see here, I am whispering but you can all still hear me. So even if you are quiet we all still hear you, and unless you both saying something really funny, please take it to the lobby. Nobody cares that your friend changed his avatar’s mustache style.

If you do find yourself getting muted, maybe your microphone was making a bunch of noise… or maybe your mouth was making a bunch of noise.
Either way, if you get muted, take that as your first and sometimes only warning before you get booted out.

Trolls

Hopefully no trolls show up. Dont let them ruin our good time. By show of hands, who is here specifically to troll? Anyone? Now would be a good time to let us know… it was worth a shot!

Trolls usually just run up to the front and do their trolling. We’ve seen groups of people come in… but some of them waited in the crowd, raised their hand, waited their turn for like 20 minutes, came up, did a couple minutes of stand up – even got a few laughs… before switching to the racist slurs.

No Portals

No portals. If you want to leave, just do it quietly. You don’t need to start a mini revolution on your way out… Open up a portal at the front. “Hey everyone, this event sucks… who’s leaving with me????”

18+
If you snuck around our sign that does not mean you have permission to be here.

Nothing against kids, but we do adult jokes here. And I dont like it when Im doing my jack-off jokes and theres a squeaky voiced kid in the front row. Oops, did I just get myself on some kind of list? Damn, how far is 500 feet in VR anyways?

Have you noticed that parents treat VR like just another techno-babysitter? They just strap on the headset and set their kid loose. Sure, now you don’t have to deal with your shitty kid, but now we are stuck dealing with them. Come on people, do your own parenting. Stop polluting our environment with your toxic spawn.

This is 18+ event – If we hear kids we ban them… not only because we like to tell grown up jokes. But if you are a kid, and you have a squeaky voice and you are stupid enough to take yourself off of mute… chances are you are too stupid to understand most of our jokes too.

Have you noticed how all kids sound exactly the same. WTF.

I did an all ages open mic the other day, and after each joke some kid would say “I dont get it” or “why is everyone laughing”. Here’s an idea, professor… maybe just keep your mouth shut and you won’t let everyone know you are too slow to keep up with the rest of the class.

[did an all ages open mic recently – for an all-ages, family friendly event there was far more heckling than one would expect. Even one of the hosts was taking shots at me.
I was doing some of my impressions, and this kid yells out “Do a Bill Cosby Impression!”
[pause] No, I’m pretty sure you can end up in jail for doing that.
Then his friend says “Do a Mike Tyson impression”
I said listen, why don’t both of you do your best impression of someone who is muted.]

Even if we are around by the time your balls drop, you will still be banned.

Psyche!
Well, for those of you who are new, I like to start off by picking one of you new people, someone who is super shy and afraid to even speak, and drag them out here to perform for all of us… and if you don’t do well we ban you from the room… NO JUST KIDDING THAT WAS A JOKE. saw like 5 of you panic rushing towards your menu. No, we don’t do that. Your participation is voluntary.

Come closer, dont be afraid. I do bite, but this is Vr so you should probably be okay.

Take yourselves off of mute – one time I heard someone laugh at my jokes, and I’d hate to miss it if ever happens again.

Harry Potter Walks into a doctor’s office… he has a bad case of genital hogwarts.
Harry Potter Walks into a Doctor’s Office… He got one of those quidditch balls stuck in his ass.
Harry Potter Walks into a Doctor’s Office… He was having trouble keeping his wand stiff
Harry Potter Walks into a Doctor’s Office… After overfilling his urine sample cup, the nurse said to him “You’re a wizzer, Harry!”

Dog poop
Lap Dance, Bald Ahole
David Blaine
USB to Serial adapter
Obscure PC Part
The other day a buddy of mine asked me for a USB to Serial cable, which if you don’t know is pretty obscure computer part. Oh boy, lets see if I can finally validate carting around this giant box of old parts for the last 20 years.
I didn’t find one, but I do have one of those old gaming console switches that move between channel 3 and channel 4… anyone remember that thing? Why am I even hanging on to this? Oh well, back into the box for after the apocalypse.
Sudden Crash
My buddy had a big signs along the highway promoting his construction company. A truck drove right through the middle of it, breaking it in half, so I sent him a picture of it along with a text that read, “Due to a sudden crash in the market, your business has been cut in half!”

ROOM HUMORS
• Are you guys liking this room? I wanted to force the audience sit closer together. It makes it easier for all of you [look around] to look around and tell that, yeah, nobody else is having any fun here, either.
• I also like having the audience closer. My first few stages where so far from the audience, I was finding it hard to hear people laughing. As I’m finding out now, the problem wasn’t the distance. Of course, now we all have bubbles when we talk, so I know for sure when no one is laughing.
• If I get desperate enough I will put up a sign like they had at old sitcom studios, but instead of “applause” it will read “laugh”

GF Lambo
My girlfriend is like a Lamborghini…. I don’t have a Lamborghini.
Also, my wife is opposed to me having either one of them.

GF BJ
You guys know how you never want to walk in on your parents having sex? Well, the inverse is also true, you don’t want your parents walking in you having sex, either.
One time, when I still lived at home, my girlfriend and I we were fooling around down in the basement – and no [do air quotes] ‘down in the basement’ is not slang for ass play.
We were in the actual basement, right out in the wide open (again, not slang for anything).
Why out in the open and not in a locked room? Well, I don’t know my girlfriends thought processes, but you can imagine what mine were, a teenager about to get his dick sucked… “holy shit… well, don’t say anything to ruin this”
Not… hey, my mom is leaving in about 10 minutes. If we just wait we will have the place to ourselves.
But the blood had drained from my brain and gone elsewhere.
Well, so here we where in the middle of performing 68 (if you don’t know your street math, that’s where she blows me and I owe her one)
and then we hear my mother, 15′ away coming towards us down the hallway, saying “Rick, I’m leaving now on my trip”
We panicked, my girl stands up and I hop behind her, holding her out as my human shield, but that’s it! My pants are down around my thighs and [salute] the Major Johnson was at full attention.
Here come’s my mom, around the corner, “Rick, I don’t want to miss my flight… come give me a hug” [pause]
Horrible, right? We went from teenage dream to Freudian nightmare for anyone but Oedipus.
She never did get her hug that day, but on the bright side, she has no memory the incident, as opposed to both of us being scarred for life.
The best part, not long after my mom left, my girlfriend and I picked up right where we left off – but first I made sure to lock the door!

Eggshells

It is definitely hard to be a comic here in 2021, with everything so PC, and cancel culture running amok.
I’d say it’s a bit like walking on eggshells, but that’s actually now considered cruelty to animals.

I’m still on the fence regarding illegal immigration humor, we may get into trouble if we cross that line.

Lastly, after much deliberation, I’ve decided to abandon all of my jokes relating to orphanages.

I don’t do jokes about radical extremism… for some reason they always seem to bomb.

Fortunately, I never did have to take out anything to do with abortion. That stuff always got scrapped before becoming fully developed.

I cleared out my stuff about racism by the boat load, mostly because I don’t want to see anybody getting lynched.

Mmm Pussy
I was hosting an event the other day, and when I asked a performer what he wanted for an intro, he said to say whatever makes me happy… Okay, here are 3 things that start with the letter M that make me happy … Meditation, Marijuana… and Mmmmm pussy.

Apologies/Offended**
I like offensive jokes, and that means sometimes the jokes I tell are offensive. But, if any of you do get overly offended, for one, you ignored the signs and the warnings so it’s already your responsibility. But I still encourage you to write down your complaints, hang on to them until after the show, and then stick them right up your ass.
No, really, the risk of being offended is an inherent part of free speech, so SUCK IT UP, buttercup. And besides, do you know what happens after you get offended? Nothing. Nothing happens to you and you just move on with your day.
Never do you see doctors rushing a patient into the ER… [do cpr motions] Ohhh geese, They are suffering from 3rd degree offensive remarks to their entire epidermal layer. Quick! We are going to need some avocado toast and some artisinally crafted hemp beanies…. Oh god hurry up… they’re starting to blog!!!

Trump Transition
I’ve been thinking, Trump really missed an opportunity while in office. He could have transitioned into a woman to became the first female president. And if anyone tried to deny the legitimacy, especially people on the left, he could have called them transphobic.

“This is very sad news!”
“A total disaster”

Prostate Short
I went for a physical a few weeks ago. I had been dreading it for months because I’m now at the age where men start receiving a certain,[finger up] invasive procedure… or so I thought… but, as it turned out the doctor said prostate exams are not part of regular screening anymore. What a huge relief… “But then again, why the hell did I bleach my asshole?”

I’ve had to look at myself in the mirror every day just to get my money’s worth out of it.

DMX
Rap Icon DMX passed away today, and people are already asking me if I have anything funny to say. Like I’d make _such_ tasteless jokes. Up in here… up in here.

Didn’t like that one? Meet me outside, Meet me outside, meet me outside

Sean Connery
007 – Sean Connery passed away last year. Seeing all the jokes people are making and the general lack of empathy has left me shaken, but not stirred.
Alex Trebek
In ‘Other Sad News for 1000 please’, Alex Trebek also moved on to the big gameshow in the sky.
The venerable Mr Trebek was almost denied entry to heaven when he didn’t answer St. Peter in the form of a question.

Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods got into a car accident recently…
I’m sure you all heard his legs are not doing so well… he’s got a hole-in-one.
At least Tiger was considerate, as his car careened through the air, he was sure to yell “FORE!”

strong>Escort
2020 was such a shit year… I asked Santa for a 20 year old Escort, and he actually came through for me in his own way. So, if anyone is interested, I have a Blue 2001 Ford Escort for sale, great condition.

I will even throw in this giant rooster that I got from the year before… again, not quite what I asked for. (I asked for a giant cock… got to spell it out)

strong>Cunty Have you noticed people from Australia use the C-word a lot? I heard a comic from Oz make a joke about how he’s from France – Bonjour, ya C-words. [ofc he actually said the word]

Bonjour C-words… doesn’t that sound like how a French misogynist gynecologist might start his day…

I don’t like to use the C-word… people tend to get c-wordy about it.

strong>College Jackoff
Anyone ever had to share a living space with strangers? When I was in uni there was period of time where I had to stay in a dorm, and there was this small group of self-righteous pricks that tried to pass this expectation that we were all supposed to curb our auto-erotic behaviors. I told them, look, if you are going to have a problem with me jacking off, you can BLOW ME.
Well, they never opened their mouths about it again.
Probably better than me being a pain in their ass.
Come on, it’s college. Time to experiment.

Grotesque Beast
A friend of mine sent me a photo from Africa with him standing next to a giraffe. I wrote back “While an awkward freak of nature, the beast is still able to strike a majestic pose. And the giraffe is pretty neat, too!”

Vaccines
So, how do we feel about the vaccines, right? I’ve been wondering… do they ship them with the microchips already in, or do they sneak them in later?
Found out my dad has issues with the vaccines. It’s not the normal antivax nonsense, his problem is that the vaccine takes 2 shots. “When I was a kid, our immunizations only took one shot… and that was to polio…not this pansy-ass ronavirus nonsense.

Cleaning Offensive
Shopping the other day, handing off my cart and the employee grabs it and starts disinfecting it immediately. There was a time when a person would be offended… wtf, you think Im dirty? What, are you saying Im diseased? Motherfucker! But now adays, you see that and think hey, that’s some good customer service.

Moonwalk
At your grocery stores, do you guys all have those arrows on the floor telling you where to go? Anyone else been yelled for going the wrong way?
I’ve was thinking, there’s never been a better time to learn the moonwalk, Say there’s something like 15 feet away but the aisle is going the wrong way. [go to right side of stage, right hand out in front] You Back up to the aisle, cart out in front, and just Moonwalk your way back to get to what you need. [Move back, wave left hand], grab it and throw it in the cart “I was just picking up some bananas for my pet monkey, bubbles. Hee Hee.” Then you just Shamone your way out of there.

Mmm Pussy
I was hosting an event the other day, and when I asked a performer what he wanted for an intro, he said to say whatever makes me happy… Okay, here are 3 things that start with the letter M that make me happy … Meditation, Marijuana… and Mmmmm pussy.

Serious Girlfriend
So ladies, as you can probably tell from my personality… yes I am single.

I used to have a serious girlfriend. The relationship wasn’t serious, but she was a drill Sargent… no sense of humor at all.

It might have worked out, but she couldn’t help but bring her job into the bedroom. One time, she told me to drop and give her 20… minutes of oral sex.

Another time, we were being intimate, and she starts yelling right in my ear… “Listen up you worthless maggot. YOU DONT GET TO QUIT UNTIL I SAY YOU CAN QUIT. DO YOU HEAR ME? Let’s go, double time. Move it. Move it… Move it!”

I’m like, Damn baby dial it back a bit. And she snaps “By the time I am done with you, your ass will be a ruthless fucking machine.”

So I never did make it through her boot camp.

Shampoo Filler
It’s great to be back on this stage, even nicer to know I was going to be here ahead of time. If you were here a few Saturday’s ago at the All Star Showcase, I did like 7 minutes of filler material. The headliner starting having tech issues, so Kyle asked me if I wanted to do some minutes.

I had nothing ready. Plus I was really high, which didn’t help. Weed may enhance your enjoyment of my shows, but it doesn’t usually enhance my performance.

Anyway, we got through it, got laughs and kept energy going well enough.

But, I was thinking, You know when you go to the toilet and forgot your phone, and you are sitting there bored so you start reading the shampoo bottle…. On Saturday, that was me. I was a shampoo bottle for about 50 people. Slightly better than nothing. (hmmm, sodium lauryl sulfate, interesting)

It definitely helps that I have experience responding to emergencies. I’ve been a firefighter, emt in my community for 9 years now and I’ve responded to hundreds of emergencies, so while doing emergency comedy sets can be nerve racking, at least, if I fuck up, the only thing I will kill is the energy in the room…

The only one who is at risk of dying is me, up on the stage.

While there is some overlap, I wont ever get the two skillsets mixed up. Imagine being on a scene, shits going south, and I’m drawing a blank on what to do, so I just start riffing… why do they call it myocardial In-FARC-tion? It’s a very serious thing, why make it sound so funny.

Of course, reading a shampoo bottle isn’t a very good analogy, is it? When is the last time anyone went to the can without their phone?
Right, we could on the verge of a level 10 gastrointestinal catastrophe, and still go back to get the phone… clenching cheeks, [act out one way, stop, go back other way grab phone, then back – hand clenching cheeks] Willing to risk doing laundry rather than go 5 minutes without any entertainment.

Cat Jokes
Speaking of pussy, who here is a feline aficionado – Who are the cat people. Yes, I too have a cat, or as my cat sees it, _he_ has a human servant.
[If you don’t like cats, keep it to yourself. We will jump you. People love their cats]

I taught him how to fetch his toy, [hand gestures] and he taught me not to swing a cat toy around while wearing a half-open robe. [only took 1 time to learn that lesson]

He is a small black shorthair. If you want to see a picture of him, search black cat on google to find about 12 billion photos of him.

Cat lovers are a lot like those people who fall in love with serial killers. You know, we just keep ignoring the mounting pile of body… Oh.. you don’t know him like I do… you dont see his sweet side.

Have you noticed how cats like to throw up in the worst spot? For example, the other day I my dishwasher open with the racks of clean dishes pulled out. Well, a cat owner can guess where the cat threw up… that’s right, all over my sheets and pillows.

You see, as gross as it would have been on the dishwasher, I could have just closed the door and run the cycle through again… My cat knows that. He’s no dummy.

I once saw him start be lying on the bathroom floor, starting to throw up [if you have a cat you have seen this, like an old steam train starting up..[slow down, act out Oomp… Oomp, Oomp,Oomp, so I’m thinking great, he’s on the tile. But at the last second, he sprints across the hall just in time to make a mess on the carpet. He’s like [cover mouth]… Hang on… hold it… hold it… ok Unleash the beast. Clean that up you bastard.

Plus he gets a better grip on the carpet… really helps him to project.

Performing in a couple hours, here in altspace, on the Failed to Render comedy stage… come to Slicks Comedy Club – Sundays at 6 cst, tuesdays at 7 cst. First time performers doing one single joke, to Pro’s working on new material in VR, and anything in between.

Don’t eat the veal. It’s made from baby cows.

Trump Transition
I’ve been thinking, Trump really missed an opportunity. He could have transitioned to a woman to became the first female president. And if anyone tried to deny the legitimacy, he could have called them transphobic.

“This is very sad news!”
“A total disaster”

Called slicks – find us sundays and tuesday at 6 and 7 cst respectively. Each week, we look at two simple joke setups, something like “A Gorilla walks into a bar?” And we go through, as a group, to see how many punchlines we can create. Hear are some of them:

A gorilla walks into bar. The Bartender says “You alright, mate?” And the Gorilla says, “No, I’m a primate.”
A gorilla walks into the doctors office. The doctor says “it says your stool sample was a bunch of long, yellow fruits”, and the gorilla says, yea, that’s why I am here. “My shit is bananas”
Batman walks into a doctor’s office. The doc says “nananana” You got the clap, man!
Darth Vader walks into a doctor’s office. He takes off his helmet and the doctor says “I find your lack of face disturbing”

Sean Connery
007 – Sean Connery passed away last year. Seeing all the jokes people are making and the general lack of empathy has left me shaken, but not stirred.
Alex Trebek
In ‘Other Sad News for 1000 please’, Alex Trebek also moved on to the big gameshow in the sky.
The venerable Mr Trebek was almost denied entry to heaven when he didn’t answer St. Peter in the form of a question.

strong>Escort
2020 was such a shit year… I asked Santa for a 20 year old Escort, and he actually came through for me in his own way. So, if anyone is interested, I have a Blue 2001 Ford Escort for sale, great condition.

I will even throw in this giant rooster that I got from the year before… again, not quite what I asked for. (I asked for a giant cock… got to spell it out)

Slicks comedy club, sundays and tuesdays – anything from first time peformers doing one single joke, to pro comics like myself trying out new stuff, and anything in between.

[Don’t try the veal… it’s made from baby cows.]

Here in Altspace, You can also see me perform on the Failed to Render Comedy stage… they feature live pro comics 3 nights a week, and friday is my typical night.

But sometimes I get pulled on stage, unscheduled, to fill in a few minutes during technical issues, like a few weeks ago when I did 7 minutes of filler on the all-star showcase. I didn’t have anything planned, and had been enjoying this awesome, legal Canadian bud… but despite that I was able to scrape together enough to get some laughs and keep the energy going.

Afterwards, it got me thinking, You know when you go to the toilet and forgot your phone, and you are sitting there bored so you start reading the shampoo bottle…. On Saturday, that was me. I was a shampoo bottle for about 50 people… slightly better than nothing. (hmmm, sodium lauryl sulfate, very interesting)

Although, that’s not even a good analogy, is it? because does anyone every go to the bathroom without their phone anymore. Right, I could on the verge of a level 10 gastrointestinal catastrophe, and I’d still go back to get the phone… clenching cheeks, [act out one way, stop, go back other way grab phone, then back – hand clenching cheeks] Yes, I am willing to risk doing laundry rather than go 3 minutes without something to occupy my mind.

Alright, that is my time. My name is Slick Rick. TIME FOR ME TO SMOKE WOOO!

Punchline setups

If you look up here, we have a couple setups to simple jokes. About halfway through the event we go will go through these as a group and see how many punchlines we can come up with.

Super Mario walks into a Doctor’s office. He says “When you said these mushrooms would make me grow bigger, I didn’t know you meant my entire body!”
Super Mario walks into a bar. He says “Sorry ladies, I’m too tired to lay any pipe. Im just here to get drunk.”
A gorilla walks into bar. The Bartender says “You alright, mate?” And the Gorilla says, “No, I’m a primate.”
Sherlock Holmes walks into a bar. He says, I’m here to get to the bottom of a case… of Heineken… wooo!
Thor walks into a bar… Sorry ladies, I’m just here for a Lo-key night.
Thor walks into a bar… he says “I may be Ass-Guardian, but tonight… I want to be Ass Clappian”
The Incredible Hulk walks into a bar. He goes up to a woman and says “Hulk… smash?”
Batman walks into a doctor’s office. The doc says “nananana” You got the clap, man!
Darth Vader walks into a doctor’s office. He takes off his helmet and the doctor says “I find your lack of face disturbing”

Find me on Youtube search for Slick Rick VR – people are finding youtube a great way to boo and heckle me long after the show is over.

Grotesque Beast
A friend of mine, when he was in Africa, sent me a selfie with a Giraffe. I replied “While an awkward freak of nature, the beast is still able to strike a majestic pose. And the giraffe is pretty neat, too!”

V Telemarket
Anyone else start getting phone calls with a V in the number? I figured it was a spam call, but got tempted. Maybe its a woman, calling to offer me some of the V….
[barge noise] nope, I won a free cruise.

Shampoo Filler
If you guys didn’t know, right here in altspace, 3 nights a week they have live professional stand-up comedy shows, called Failed to Render. Come out, you may see me there, usually when I am scheduled, but sometimes I pop up as an emergency filler. Like a few weeks ago at the All-star comedy showcase. The headliner starting having tech issues, so the hosts asked me if I wanted to fill some time.

I had nothing ready. Plus I was really high, which didn’t help. Weed may enhance your enjoyment of my shows, but it doesn’t usually enhance my performance. Anyway, I did 7 minutes of filler, got laughs, kept energy going, job well done.

But, I was thinking, You know when you go to the toilet and forgot your phone, and you are sitting there bored so you start reading the shampoo bottle…. On Saturday, that was me. I was a shampoo bottle for about 50 people. Slightly better than nothing. (hmmm, sodium lauryl sulfate, interesting)

Although, that’s not a very good analogy, because does anyone every go to the bathroom without their phone anymore. Right, we could on the verge of a level 10 gastrointestinal catastrophe, and still go back to get the phone… clenching cheeks, [act out one way, stop, go back other way grab phone, then back – hand clenching cheeks] Willing to risk doing laundry rather than go 5 minutes without any entertainment.

Vaccines
So, how do we feel about the vaccines, right? I’ve been wondering… do they ship them with the microchips already in, or do they sneak them in later?
Found out my dad has issues with the vaccines. It’s not the normal antivax nonsense, his problem is that the vaccine takes 2 shots. “When I was a kid, our immunizations only took one shot… and that was to polio…not this pansy-ass ronavirus nonsense.

Cleaning Offensive
Shopping the other day, handing off my cart and the employee grabs it and starts disinfecting it immediately. There was a time when a person would be offended… wtf, you think Im dirty? What, are you saying Im diseased? Motherfucker! But now adays, you see that and think hey, that’s some good customer service.

Moonwalk
At your grocery stores, do you guys all have those arrows on the floor telling you where to go? Anyone else been yelled for going the wrong way?
I’ve was thinking, there’s never been a better time to learn the moonwalk, Say there’s something like 15 feet away but the aisle is going the wrong way. [go to right side of stage, right hand out in front] You Back up to the aisle, cart out in front, and just Moonwalk your way back to get to what you need. [Move back, wave left hand], grab it and throw it in the cart “I was just picking up some bananas for my pet monkey, bubbles. Hee Hee.” Then you just Shamone your way out of there.

Mmm Pussy
I was hosting an event the other day, and when I asked a performer what he wanted for an intro, he said to say whatever makes me happy… Okay, here are 3 things that start with the letter M that make me happy … Meditation, Marijuana… and Mmmmm pussy.

Trump Transition
I’ve been thinking, Trump really missed an opportunity. He could have transitioned to a woman to became the first female president. And if anyone tried to deny the legitimacy, you can call them out on it.

“Hey! That’s transphobic”
“This is very sad news!”
“A total disaster”

One Liners

My name is slick rick, I run an 18+ open mic event for comedy here in altspace, called slicks – find us sundays and tuesday evenings. I have all these one liners from the “Fill in the punchline segment”, where we look at simple joke setups, something like A Gorilla walks into a bar? And we go through, as a group, to see how many punchlines we can create. Hear are some of them:

The Incredible Hulk walks into a bar. He goes up to a woman and says “Hulk… smash?”
Captain Hook walks into a bar. A woman asked him “Who is the handsomest man on your crew” and he said “Its Smee” So she left to go an find him.
Sherlock Holmes walks into a bar. He says, I’m here to get to the bottom of a case… of Heineken… wooo!
An alligator walks into a bar. The bouncer says sorry, you can’t get in unless you are over 18… feet long.
Batman walks into a doctor’s office. The doc says “nananana” You got the clap, man!
Why did the penguin cross the road? He got turned away from the airport for being on a no fly list.
Darth Vader walks into a doctor’s office. He takes off his helmet and the doctor says “I find your lack of face disturbing”
An elephant walks into the doctors office, tears running down his face. He says “Do you have anything to help me forget?”So the Doctor says, try next door… so an Elephant walks into a bar.
Frosty the Snowman walks into the doctors office. He had a bladder infection but the wait was so long there was nothing left but a puddle.
Thor walks into a bar… he was looking for a Loki night.
Thor walks into a bar… he says “I may be Ass-Guardian, but tonight I want to be Ass Clappian”
Thor walks into a Doctors Office, The doctor says “Besides developing a lisp, did you notice any other side effects of the miniaturization process? He says, well, I am a little Thor.
Aquaman walks into a bar. He went into the kitchen to change his order but the cook accidentally made him the seafood special.
A gorilla walks into bar. The Bartender says “You alright, mate?” And the Gorilla says, “No, I’m a primate.”
A gorilla walks into a bar, and starts swinging around on all the fixtures. The bouncer says “we don’t play like that here. Why don’t you try down the road at one of the monkey bars”
A gorilla walks into the doctors office. The doctor says “it says your stool sample was a bunch of long, yellow fruits”, and the gorilla says, yea, that’s why I am here. “My shit is bananas”
Gandalf Walks into a Bar – sees a guy taking the breathalizer and he says “You Shall Not Pass!”
Gandalf the White walks into a bar – the bartender says “uh, you know this is a Grey bar, right?”
Batman walks into a bar, he seems down so the bartender says “whats wrong, batman” [batman voice] well, the batmobile lost it’s wheel and the joker got away, hey!.
Harry Potter Walks into a doctor’s office… he has a bad case of genital hogwarts.
Harry Potter Walks into a Doctor’s Office… He got one of those quidditch balls stuck in his ass.
Harry Potter Walks into a Doctor’s Office… He was having trouble keeping his wand stiff
Harry Potter Walks into a Doctor’s Office… After overfilling his urine sample cup, the nurse said to him “You’re a wizzer, Harry!”
Harry Potter Walks into a bar. He is followed by a small snowstorm. The Italian Bouncer says “You cannot-a come in here with that” And harry says “With what” “Your-a blizzard, Harry!”
Freddy Krueger walks into a bar. he says, “Sure, haunting the dreams of school children is my job, but I’m not that bad of guy once you get to know me”.

No assing
We had a wind storm here a few weeks ago, and my no trespassing sign snapped, and now it just reads “No Assing”. I don’t even know what ‘assing’ is, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want it going on either, so I’m going to leave the sign up.

A-hole boss
Speaking of asses, does anyone here have an asshole for a boss? Yea? My boss can be a real asshole… it’s definitely one of the downsides of being self-employed.

FTR 5 Min

yes thank you. So glad to be here. Just a quick announcement, the person in the washrooms offering free anal swab covid tests… is not actually legitimate…little FYI

[pic showing? why didn’t the artist tell me my head was blocking part of the logo, could have moved over a bit]

Hey Ho
Looks like everyone here has hands, lets all try this. Wave your hands, just like this. If you are in the overflow room, you guys can do this one too. We are all here to have fun.
Who has hands, don’t be shy. Come on, go like this, just like this.
everybody… go like this, with me, side to side. yea uh yea uh
Everybody say “heeee_____Eyyy”
Say “Hooooooooo”
Say “Hey ho”
“hey Ho”
Yes! Great job everyone… that was lesson one in my upcoming lecture series called “How to get stabbed by a hooker!”

[I know you didn’t know… but it’s too late, you are all signed up now!]

ended up coming
I love doing stand up. Some of you may know that before I was doing comedy, I used to run a support group for people who had trouble reaching orgasm… Even after all work, and all the effort I put in, nobody ended up coming!

Orgy
Got an amazing line-up tonight, so if find my style isn’t to your liking, let me say the same thing to you that I might say to a reluctant group at an orgy. “Let’s just get through this and then you can all move on to someone better than me.”

Escort
2020 was such a shit year… I asked Santa for a 20 year old Escort, and he actually came through for me in his own way. So, if anyone is interested, I have a Blue 2001 Ford Escort for sale, great condition.

I will even throw in this giant rooster that I got from the year before… again, not quite what I asked for.

Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods got into a car accident last week…
[driving]
I’m sure you all heard his legs are not doing so well… he’s got a hole-in-one.
[too soon? well, if I wait too long, it won’t be funny. that’s the line we tread.]
At least Tiger was considerate, as his car careened through the air, he was sure to yell “FORE!”

College Jackoff
Anyone ever had to share a living space with strangers? When I was in uni there was period of time where I had to stay in a dorm, and there was this small group of self-righteous pricks that tried to pass this expectation that we were all supposed to curb our auto-erotic behaviors. I told them, look, if you are going to have a problem with me jacking off, you can BLOW ME.
Well, they never opened their mouths about it again.
Probably better than me being a pain in their ass.

Nows a good time to Sneak in some of my one liners:

Sherlock Holmes walks into a bar. He says, I’m here to get to the bottom of a case… of Heineken… wooo!
Thor walks into a bar… he says “I may be Ass-Guardian, but tonight I want to be Ass Clappian”
Batman walks into a doctor’s office. The doc says “nananana” You got the clap, man!
Super Mario walks into a Doctor’s office. He says “When you said these mushrooms would make me grow bigger, I didn’t think you meant my entire body!”

Eggshells

It is definitely hard to be a comic here in 2021, with everything so PC, and cancel culture running amok.
I’d say it’s a bit like walking on eggshells, but that’s actually now considered cruelty to animals.

I don’t do jokes about radical extremism… for some reason they always seem to bomb.

Fortunately, I never did have to take out anything to do with abortion. That stuff always got scrapped before becoming fully developed.

Hard in the Paint
Speaking of PC culture it has also ruined Hip Hop and rap, at least for me. As you know, there are lyrics in a lot of those songs that I’m not allowed to sing out loud in public because of the color of my skin. So whenever the n-word comes up, I start saying it then I catch myself and say aww because Im not allowed to sing the song as it was written. Take the song “Hard in the paint” By Waka Flaka. This is what it sounds like now thanks to PC culture.

FLAKA!
I go hard in the motherfucking paint, Nawwww [cross hands on first part, then up, then shrink]
Leave you stinking, Nawwwww
What the fuck you thinking, Nawww
[doesn’t quit have the same impact, right]

This was lots of fun, Im Richard Slixton, Usually treated like a snickers bar floating in a hot tub, but you guys have been great!

Tik Tok Toe
Do any of you use TikTok? Well, I’ve been working on a similar app that is for podiatrists. It’s called TikTok Toe.

Rosa parks
I saw an advertisement celebrating the life of Rosa Parks. It started as a nice idea, but then they put the ad on the back of a bus.

Impressions
If you haven’t heard, someone’s been going around altspace offering to do the anal swab covid tests. Turns out, they aren’t legitimate.

Impressions
Impressions – oblivious new VR user
start at entrance “OH WOW” CAN YOU GUYS SEE WHAT IM SEEING? IT’s neat. Im in a comedy club. Yea, right now. There’s a bald guy up on stage telling jokes and theres like a whole crowd of people watching… and wait… hang on. Oh hey people are looking at me…. why does everyone… this is so creepy. I just dont understand why!

Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods got into a car accident last week…
I’m sure you all heard his legs are not doing so well… he’s got a hole-in-one.
At least Tiger was considerate, as his car careened through the air, he was sure to yell “FORE!”

Hard in the Paint
Speaking of PC culture it has also ruined Hip Hop and rap, at least for me. As you know, there are lyrics in a lot of those songs that I’m not allowed to sing out loud in public because of the color of my skin. So whenever the n-word comes up, I start saying it then I catch myself and say aww. So say Waka Flaka’s song Hard in the paint comes on, this is what it sounds like now thanks to PC culture.
FLAKA!
I go hard in the motherfucking paint, Nawwww [cross hands on first part, then up, then shrink]
Leave you stinking, Nawwwww
What the fuck you thinking, Nawww

Formative
I was doing an open mic the other day and this woman yells out “I Love you Slick Rick” Oh wow! where were you during my formative years?

VR2021
Speaking of formative years, when I was a kid – my Mom used to say to me… Rick, don’t sit so close to the TV. You are going to rot your brain and ruin your eyes. Well, here we are, its 2021 and we all have TVs strapped right to our faces.

Shampoo Filler
I was at an All-star comedy showcase last weekend, sitting in the crowd enjoying the show. The headliner starting having tech issues, so the hosts asked me if I wanted to fill some time. I’m a regular performer there, but I had nothing ready.

Plus, it takes me like a week just to get ready to do improv… so I don’t always perform well on the spot.

Also, side note, here in Canada, recreational cannabis is legal here, and I was recreating, and based on my experience weed does not usually enhance my performance.

I ended up doing like 7 minutes of filler, enough to get laughs and keep the energy going until the headliner came back. All in all, it was a success.

But, I was thinking, You know when you go to the toilet and forgot your phone, and you are sitting there bored so you start reading the shampoo bottle…. On Saturday, that was me. I was a shampoo bottle for about 50 people. Slightly better than nothing. (hmmm, sodium lauryl sulfate, interesting)

Although, that’s not a very good analogy, because does anyone every go to the bathroom without their phone anymore. Right, we could on the verge of a level 10 gastrointestinal catastrophe, and still go back to get the phone… clenching cheeks, [act out one way, stop, go back other way grab phone, then back – hand clenching cheeks] Willing to risk doing laundry rather than go 5 minutes without any entertainment.

It was scary, but I got through it. I’ve been a firefighter, emt for 9 years now and I’ve responded to hundreds of emergencies, so while last night was nerve racking, at least, if I fuck up, the only thing I will kill is the energy in the room…

The only one who is at risk of dying is me, up on the stage.

HR in VR[SETUP CONTROLLER]
If you’ve been in VR for a while, you may have seen this.
Sometimes the hand controller loses tracking and just floats away. The predictive algorithm in the headset assumes, as soon as it can’t see the controller, the user must be stretching out one of their arms about 10 feet.
Well, I was at one of these HR in VR events here in Altspace, and this happened to me. My hand floated away and stopped on top of a female avatar. Long story short, my actions were deemed problematic and I won’t be allowed back until after taking an avatar sensitivity workshop.

Serious Girlfriend
So ladies, as you can probably tell from my personality… yes I am single.

I used to have a serious girlfriend. The relationship wasn’t serious, but she was a drill Sargent… no sense of humor at all.

It might have worked out, but she couldn’t help but bring her job into the bedroom. One time, she told me to drop and give her 20… minutes of oral sex.

Another time, we were being intimate, and she starts yelling right in my ear…

“Listen up you worthless maggot. YOU DONT QUIT UNTIL I SAY YOU CAN QUIT. DO YOU HEAR ME? Let’s go, double time. Move it. Move it… Move it!”

I’m like, Damn baby dial it back a bit. And she snaps back “By the time I am done with you, your ass will be a ruthless fucking machine.”

So I never did make it through her boot camp.

Prostate
Bald comic – Top of head

I went for a physical recently, which I was dreading for months because I’m in the age group where there’s a certain check-up that’s for men.

Yes, I’m in my 40’s – you probably can’t tell because this is all a giant cartoon. But until I tell you, you won’t know. And I don’t like to talk about it because there’s a lot you are ageist pricks and as soon as you hear Im in my 40’s you treat my like Im a half dead old man. And while it may be factually accurate, I still don’t want to hear it. So if you keep running your mouth I will still outlive you ya little shit!

So, Im at the Doctor’s, for my physical, which I’ve been dreading, and I sort of tip toe around the subject [finger up, and pop].

And the Doc says “Oh, that’s not part of regular screening anymore. We only check prostates when you have specific symptoms, like discomfort in the area or frequent urination.

Oh Wow, what a relief. But then again, what the hell did I bleach my asshole for?
[have to look at in the mirror a few times just to get my money’s worth]

I’ve been thinking, how lucky I am to have turned old right at the cusp of that being phased out. There must have been millions of buttholes needlessly penetrated every year, for decades and decades. We should erect a statue… maybe a giant hand, finger extended with a donut wrapped around it.

Are you aware that the prostate is a gland? And if you put pressure on it, sometimes a man will involuntarily excrete fluids? I can only imagine some of the conflicting emotions that might arise, oh great, now what? Will I get a boner anytime someone snaps on a latex glove. Like I need more things on my list of kinks.]

I told this joke the other day, and a guy was upset, throwing up sad faces, that prostate exams are no longer required. Oh, you can still get them… so then he cheered. Maybe someone should warn that guys doctor that he’s getting off on it… of course, they probably figured that out when he keeps coming back for his weekly prostate exam.

Did you know, that for thousands of years, traditional healers would do something called trepanation… which is where they drill one or more holes in the skull.
Can you imagine, going to the Doctor, back in the 1800’s or whenever it was when hey stopped doing making holes in peoples skulls?

“Hey Doc, yea my head hurts a lot, but Im worried about you know.. the old [finger in skull movement vrrr vrrr shrr pop]

Then the Doc says “Oh, no, we don’t do that anymore” [wags finger]

“You don’t drill holes in skulls anymore” [shrugging]

“Naw, it turns out the cranium is made with thick bone to protect the brain – which is a vital organ – and making holes in it usually doesn’t help.

“Hmm, well that’s a relief”

“Ok, snap [hand up] Now bend over I’m going to need to check your prostate.”

Funniest Guy
Before we bring out our first comic of the night, let me say, as many of you know
I’ve been doing comedy in VR for a while now, long enough that people recognize me. Sometimes people call the funniest guy in Altspace. I don’t say that, I don’t agree with it. But others have said it, including some hosts right as they introduce me to the stage.

Please don’t do that. You are just [hand] setting a very high expectation and will most likely lead to the disappointment of many people.

If you insist on saying ‘Funniest”, I’d accept… “Next up, he is quite possibly the funniest person you will see over the next few minutes”… that’s something I can try to live up to.

“Next up, he is quite possibly the funniest person you will see over the next few minutes”, warm welcome for …

Power Through – Glitch in VR

Recently, right in the middle of my set, headset started glitching. No matter where I looked everything was just shaking really fast [use hands] – really disorientating… [perfect timing, right] so I just closed my eyes and powered through it. Keep that tip in mind – if your headset starts glitching, or, if at the end of a long night of partying you end up in bed with someone you aren’t that fond of… just close your eyes and try to power through it.

Eggshells

It is definitely hard to be a comic here in 2021, with everything so PC, and cancel culture running amok.
I’d say it’s a bit like walking on eggshells, but that’s actually now considered cruelty to animals.

I’m still on the fence regarding illegal immigration humor, we may get into trouble if we cross that line.

Lastly, after much deliberation, I’ve decided to abandon all of my jokes relating to orphanages.

I don’t do jokes about radical extremism… for some reason they always seem to bomb.

Fortunately, I never did have to take out anything to do with abortion. That stuff always got scrapped before becoming fully developed.

I cleared out my stuff about racism by the boat load, mostly because I don’t want to see anybody getting lynched.

Cat Jokes
So, who here is a feline aficionado – Who are the cat people. Yes, I too have a cat, or as my cat sees it, _he_ has a human servant.
[If you don’t like cats, keep it to yourself. We will jump you. People love their cats]

I taught him how to fetch his toy, [hand gestures] and he taught me not to swing a cat toy around while wearing a half-open robe. [only took 1 time to learn that lesson]

He is a small black shorthair. If you want to see a picture of him, search black cat on google to find about 12 billion photos of him.

Cat lovers are a lot like those people who fall in love with serial killers. You know, we just keep ignoring the mounting pile of body… Oh.. you don’t know him like I do… you dont see his sweet side.

Have you noticed how cats like to throw up in the worst spot? For example, the other day I my dishwasher open with the racks of clean dishes pulled out. Well, a cat owner can guess where the cat threw up… that’s right, all over my sheets and pillows.

You see, as gross as it would have been on the dishwasher, I could have just closed the door and run the cycle through again… My cat knows that. He’s no dummy.

I once saw him start be lying on the bathroom floor, starting to throw up [if you have a cat you have seen this, like an old steam train starting up..[slow down, act out Oomp… Oomp, Oomp,Oomp, so I’m thinking great, he’s on the tile. But at the last second, he sprints across the hall just in time to make a mess on the carpet. He’s like [cover mouth]… Hang on… hold it… hold it… ok Unleash the beast. Clean that up you bastard.

Plus he gets a better grip on the carpet… really helps him to project.

Rage against Machine
This is my impression of Zack De La Rocha, lead singer of Rage Against the Machine, imprisoned in a fascist forced-mating sex camp… “Fuck you, I won’t do WHO you tell me”

Mmm Pussy
Say whatever makes me happy… 3 things that start with the letter M that make me happy … Meditation, Marijuana… and Mmmmm pussy.

Paused Messages
So, if you didn’t know, Altspace added a “Pause Messages” option, blocks DMs. However, if you turn it on, then quit, and come back, the setting shows up as being off. Even though it is still on, still blocking messages.

Guess how I found this out – Looking at my message list on Saturday morning, from the comedy event

Orgy
Wonderful… I’ve got a few things to try out on you

So if find my style isn’t to your liking, let me say the same thing to you that I might say to a reluctant group at an orgy. “Let’s just get through this and then you can all move on to someone better than me.”

Of course, as your host, I will keep popping back up, not unlike a turd that just won’t flush.

Bald
In case any of you were wondering, no I did not fall victim to the gorilla glue hair spray challenge…
Yes, I am actually bald, but, as a comic, it actually makes it easier to come up with jokes right off the top of my head.
[bald is beautiful, come on. bald is beautiful]

Chili in the Air
So glad to be here in VR with all of you. Feel like we are here together… but I had chili for supper, so be glad we aren’t actually sharing the same airspace., Im pretty sure Id be violating at least 2 treaties of the Geneva Convention – collective punishment, and the use of chemical weapons.

Instead, thanks to VR, Im not a war criminal, and the only thing in the air for us to enjoy is laughter!

Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods got into a car accident recently…
I’m sure you all heard his legs are not doing so well… he’s got a hole-in-one.
At least Tiger was considerate, as his car careened through the air, he was sure to yell “FORE!”

Country Living
I’m fortunate to have moved out into the country a few years ago. Now when I practice my jokes outside in the summertime, I can get used to hearing nothing but crickets.

Country living is not for everyone… but it really all depends on how you look at it. If I say that there are lots of ticks and mosquitoes, that sounds unappealing. But, if I say Every time you leave your house, hordes of thirsty females will try use you to make babies, well that doesn’t sound as bad, does it. I mean who doesn’t want to be wanted?

Sadly, out where I live, because the human females are in such short supply, beauty standards tend to drop. There’s a formula we use to find out if a woman is still considered attractive or not. Feel free to use it yourselves [use hands as height measuring] First, you count how many kids she has, then you count how many teeth she has left. And as long as she still has more teeth than kids, she’s considered hot.

Kids
Oh hey, if you didn’t hear, as last week, my wife and I now have 3 kids. Yes, 3 precious children. We will be letting them go as soon as their parents pay off the rest of the ransom.

Echolocation
You guys know what echolocation is, right? It’s when bats and dolphins use sound to navigate their environment. I just realized I’ve been using it too, every time I wake up at night and try to find the toilet without turning on the light. [Turn to side, hand gesture] Side of the bowl, side of the bowl, side of the bowl….splashdown – There we go, right on target!

Rage against Machine
This is my impression of Zack De La Rocha, lead singer of Rage Against the Machine, imprisoned in a fascist forced-mating sex camp… “Fuck you, I won’t do WHO you tell me”

Impressions
Impressions – oblivious new VR user
start at entrance “OH WOW” CAN YOU GUYS SEE WHAT IM SEEING? IT’s neat. Im in a comedy club. Yea, right now. There’s a bald guy up on stage telling jokes and theres like a whole crowd of people watching… and wait… hang on. Oh hey people are looking at me…. why does everyone… this is so creepy. I just dont understand why!

In 40’s

It’s fine with being bald, because I am in my 40’s. Anyone else here over 40… probably too shy to admit it, same reason Im reluctant to talk about it because many of you younger people are ageist pricks and when you hear I’m over 40 you treat me like Im a half-dead, old man. And while that may be factual accurate, you don’t need to rub it in our face. I may be half-dead but keep bumping your gums and I will outlive you by a wide margin!

Lap Dance
If you’ve been in altspace for a while, this has probably happen to you. When someone else doesn’t look around and they just park their ass whereever. You know, they just sort sit right on top of you, like you don’t even exist.
I used to get annoyed. but now I’ve turned it into a positive. And you can too. Now, if someone gets on top of you, be like me… think Oh boy, free Lap dance. Right? This used to porquet $20 and some of my dignity, but not anymore! Thanks VR!

Bald Asshole
It’s not all free lap dances here. The other day, I was checking out a mostly empty world, minding my own business, muted the whole time, flipping through menu about to leave, and I hear a woman’s voice say “Nice fucking soul patch, you bald asshole!”

MRA

International Women’s Day Comedy Special tomorrow night here. Probably the least fitting segue for my next bit, about the myth of male privilege. I’m sure you’ve all heard about male privilege, but it’s not a real thing.

Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of advantages of being a man… like being able to pee my name in the snow. Plus we don’t have to deal with menstruation and childbirth, both of which seem like horror films come to life.

But there are also disadvantages to being a man. The majority of homeless people are men. Men make up the majority of suicides. Over 90% of workplace deaths are men, and the same is true for males dying in the military. So, yea, men have privilege, except in the trivial issue of… being alive…

Anyway, my point as a proponent of equal rights, what I want to see is for there to be More female suicides, more female workplace deaths, and more women dying in the military… right? Who is with me…. Anyone anyone?

Rosa Parks
I saw an advertisement celebrating the life of Rosa Parks. It started off as a really nice idea, but then they put the ad on the back of a bus.

Canada Degrees
So you may be able to tell, Yes I am Canadian. And sorry to you awkward american guys, no I am not willing to vouch about your totally real “girlfriend from Canada”
Cold as shit – -40 degrees out – if you are wondering if I mean -40 Celsius or F, yes.
Yes, I live in Canada, where we say things like “Its nice out for this time of the year”… which means if you go outside unprepared, you will still die. But it will take hours instead of minutes, so that’s considered a nice day out.

It started warming up last week, the snow started melting. But, as every Canadian knows, we aren’t fooled. Sure, first winter is over… but what about second winter… and third winter.

Cat Jokes
So, who here is a feline afficionado – Who are the cat people. Yes, I too have a cat, or as my cat sees it, _he_ has a human servant.
[If you don’t like cats, keep it to yourself. We will jump you. People love their cats]

I taught him how to fetch his toy, [hand gestures] and he taught me not to swing a cat toy around while wearing a half-open robe. [only took 1 time to learn that lesson]

He is a small black shorthair. If you want to see a picture of him, search black cat on google to find about 12 billion photos of him.

Cat lovers are a lot like those people who fall in love with serial killers. You know, we just keep ignoring the mounting pile of body… Oh.. you don’t know him like I do… you dont see his sweet side.

So I left my dishwasher open, with the racks out, full of clean dishes that I never unloaded. Well, those of you who have cats can probably guess where my guy decided to throw up? That’s right… all over my pillows and sheets.

You see, as gross as it would have been on the dishwasher, I could have just run the cycle through again… and my cat knows that. He’s no dummy. He needs to maximize the damage.

I once saw him start be lying on the bathroom floor, starting to throw up [if you have a cat you have seen this, like an old steam train starting up.. Oomp… Oomp, Oomp,Oomp, so I’m thinking great, he’s on the tile. But at the last second, he sprints across the hall just in time to make a mess on the carpet. He’s like [cover mouth]… Hang on… hold it… hold it… ok Unleash the beast. Clean that up you bastard.

Plus he gets a better grip on the carpet… really helps him to project.

Weed jokes
Who here loves weed? Yea, me too.
Any of you ever roll a joint thinking “this is for after that thing I have to do” but then you accidentally smoked it right away. Oops, guess I’m going to do that thing I had to do really high.

Weed makes movies more fun, right. I was watching a new movie, and I was feeling really smart, like damn I’m good at figuring this out… but then about an hour in I realize I’ve already seen this movie. Im not a genius… Im an idiot!

Vaccines
So, how do we feel about the vaccines, right? I’ve been wondering… do they ship them with the microchips already in, or do they sneak them in later?
I read on Facebook they come with 5G microchips, so finally, I might be able to get some decent internet speed out here. Voy a recibir una inyección en cada brazo solo para estar seguro.

Move right into a touchy subject: Masks

One last thing before I get out of here, I’m sure you heard recently that we should be wearing two masks instead of 1… I know, this is a great subject for a comedy club.

But, what I wanted to say, is if you are already worried that two masks aren’t enough… there is something you can do. I know a sure fire way to yourself. Here’s what you do… take a plastic garbage bag, wrap it around your head, and if you can get that seal nice and tight around your neck, you are 100% guaranteed to not die from the Coronovirus.

Disclaimer – you won’t die from coronovirus, but you will still die. I have to say that because some people are dumb enough to take medical advice they hear in a comedy club…

Canada Degrees
So you may be able to tell, Yes I am Canadian. And sorry to you awkward american guys, no I am not willing to vouch about your totally real “girlfriend from Canada”
Cold as shit – -40 degrees out – if you are wondering if I mean -40 Celsius or F, yes.
Yes, I live in Canada, where we say things like “Its nice out for this time of the year”… which means if you go outside unprepared, you will still die. But it will take hours instead of minutes, so that’s considered a nice day out.

It started warming up last week, the snow started melting. But, as every Canadian knows, we aren’t fooled. Sure, first winter is over… but what about second winter… and third winter.

Power Through
I was auditioning for a VR talent competition the other day, right in the middle of my set, my headset started glitching. No matter where I looked everything was just shaking really fast [use hands] – really disorientating… [perfect timing, right] so I just closed my eyes and powered through it. So keep that tip in mind the next time your headset starts glitching out.

It’s the same thing you can use anytime after a long night out and you end up in bed with someone you aren’t that fond of… just close your eyes and try to power through it.
Sore Loser
So I did make it through the audition to the talent competition. And I really have to stop doing those style events, because I am not a graceful loser. The first judge liked me, the second didn’t, but was at a douchebag about it. The third judge was no, and was a jerk, So I started losing my patients and snipping back… Got fed up with the whole thing and I was about half a second away from just going scorched earth on everything… you know… like FUCK THIS BULLSHIT EVENT WHO EVEN GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOU ASSHOLES anyway… but then the host is like wait, you aren’t out yet… the crowd can still keep you in. So I’m like polite again like Oh yes, it’s such an honor to be considered for such a prestigious award.

The crowd voting me through… very nice… until they voted me out the very next round. As I was about to be catapulted away, I said “Everyone be sure to kiss my ass as I fly away!”

Burger King

[host] asked me to stop doing my lame Burger King jokes. He said, “Rick, they don’t even use that slogan anymore.” Fine []… Have it your way!

FF/EMT
I’ve served my community as a firefighter EMT for over 9 years now. It is really a privilege to be able to help people. And it has taught me life is short and precious – and I am really grateful be up here and sharing laughs with all of you.

One thing I’d like to talk about, I’m sure most of you have heard the expression “fighting fire with fire?” That doesn’t usually work. I don’t recommend it. You should try using water, or a fire extinguisher. I don’t know how that myth keeps spreading.

It’s not all bad being an emergency medical responder – whenever some wanna be tough guys start puffing up and getting in my face, I can say “You better be careful, I sent two guys to the hospital last week, and one of them was twice your size.”

Of course, if I ever get into a fight, that would also be awkward… imagine after kicking some morons ass, stupid, fucking, idiot… sort of counting down in my head 3 2 1.

Sir! Are you ok, you look like to need medical attention. As he comes to, sees me among the group of people carrying his stretcher. Sir, you were knocked unconscious but you are in good hands know, don’t worry.

Rage against Machine
This is my impression of Zack De La Rocha, lead singer of Rage Against the Machine, imprisoned in a fascist forced-mating sex camp… “Fuck you, I won’t do WHO you tell me”
Impressions
Impressions – oblivious new VR user
start at entrance “OH WOW” CAN YOU GUYS SEE WHAT IM SEEING? IT’s neat. Im in a comedy club. Yea, right now. There’s a bald guy up on stage telling jokes and theres like a whole crowd of people watching… and wait… hang on. Oh hey people are looking at me…. why does everyone… this is so creepy. I just dont understand why!
Annoying new VR user
Annoying new VR user – mic volume is set too high, usually its a high squeaky voice but not always, maybe theres a tv playing loudly or an echo
HELLO?? HELLO??? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE. HELLO< CAN YOU HEAR ME> HELLO
Thank you, that was Annoying new VR user.
Have you met one of these people yet? Hey, here’s a wild idea… maybe wait more than 2 seconds before you talk… Try giving your brain a chance to wrap itself around the intricate complexities of what could possibly be happening in this space.

Orgy
So if find my style isn’t to your liking, let me say the same thing to you that I might say to a reluctant group at an orgy. “Let’s just get through this and then you can all move on to someone better than me.”

Of course, as your host, I will keep popping back up, not unlike a turd that just won’t flush.

Funniest Guy
Before we bring out our first comic of the night, let me say, as many of you know
I’ve been doing comedy in VR for a while now, long enough that people recognize me. Sometimes people call the funniest guy in Altspace. I don’t say that, I don’t agree with it. But others have said it, including some hosts right as they introduce me to the stage.

Please don’t do that. You are just [hand] setting a very high expectation and will most likely lead to the disappointment of many people.

If you insist on saying ‘Funniest”, I’d accept… “Next up, he is quite possibly the funniest person you will see over the next few minutes”… that’s something I can try to live up to.

“Next up, he is quite possibly the funniest person you will see over the next few minutes”, warm welcome for …

Lap Dance
If you’ve been in altspace for a while, this has probably happen to you. When someone else doesn’t look around and they just park their ass whereever. You know, they just sort sit right on top of you, like you don’t even exist.
I used to get annoyed. but now I’ve turned it into a positive. And you can too. Now, if someone gets on top of you, be like me… think Oh boy, free Lap dance. Right? This used to porquet $20 and some of my dignity, but not anymore! Thanks VR!

Bald Asshole
It’s not all free lap dances here. The other day, I was checking out a mostly empty world, minding my own business, muted the whole time, flipping through menu about to leave, and I hear a woman’s voice say “Nice fucking soul patch, you bald asshole!”
I sat there stunned for a few moments, then I said “_Bald_ Asshole? Well if you prefer hairy assholes… I can certainly oblige you!
To her credit, this woman was half right, I am bald. Any maybe she was 100% right, maybe Im an asshole – [finger up] but I resent the assumption… at least give me a chance to open my mouth and prove it.
It’s not so bad losing my hair as a comic – for one, being bald makes it easier to come up with jokes right off the top of my head.
Although I don’t think the phrase “losing my hair” is a fair assessment, at least not for me. I am may be bald, but I still have all my hair. The difference now is that it has migrated to other places on my body. [gesture from head down to body]
[finger up] Listen, it took about 4 billion years of evolution to get to this amazing specimen you see before you today [highlight self with hands].
So, who are we to question my body when it says “Hey, don’t waste any more precious resources up here”[circle around head] Instead lets focus all of our hair making efforts on padding the back and the ass areas with an extra layer of fur,[tap shoulder and ass] because that’s sure to help get the ladies, right? That’s a much better evolutionary strategy to help perpetuate these incredible genes, right?

2d vs 6dof
I see we have a couple of 2D users in the house. It makes me want to revive that bit from the 90’s, Those guys [nerdy voice]“ACT LIKE THIS” but us guys, we “ACT LIKE THIS}. Have you seen these 2D users. they move around like this, with their hands and their sides, nodding their heads up and down…[nerdy voice] (no spatial audio, take off headphones, echo)

But us 6 VR users, we are all like Mmm, aww, yeaaa. You liking all 6 degrees of my freedom, baby?

Hey Ho

Gorilla
Im can tell some of you were thinking it… is this guy actually bald, or did he just spray a bunch of gorilla glue all over his head…

Yes, being bald does mean everyone in the front row gets an extra dose of glare [hand up to block light, turn head]], but on the other side,
it’s much easier to come up with jokes right off the top of my head!

Formative
I was doing an open mic the other day and this woman yells out “I Love you Slick Rick” Oh wow! where were you during my formative years?

VR2021
Speaking of formative years, when I was a kid – my Mom used to say to me… Rick, don’t sit so close to the TV. You are going to rot your brain and ruin your eyes. Well, here we are, its 2021 and we all have TVs strapped right to our faces.

Eggshells

It’s hard to be a comic these days, everything so PC, cancel culture everywhere.
Even with my advantages, it’s still hard to be a comic here in 2021, everything is so PC, and there’s cancel culture everywhere.

I’d say it’s like walking on eggshells, but that’s now considered cruelty to animals.

I’m still on the fence regarding illegal immigration humor, we may get into trouble if we cross that line.

Lastly, after much deliberation, I’ve decided to abandon all of my jokes relating to orphanages.

I don’t do jokes about radical extremism… for some reason they always seem to bomb.

Fortunately, I never did have to take out anything to do with abortion. That stuff always got scrapped before becoming fully developed.

I cleared out my stuff about racism by the boat load, mostly because I don’t want to see anybody getting lynched.

I won’t be fucking around with any of old necrophilia bits. It’s best we leave that stuff buried.
Same goes for cannibalism comedy, which was never to my taste anyway.
Also, you should know that I never put my hands on any kind of sexual harassment jokes.

I’m still on the fence regarding illegal immigration humor, we may get into trouble if we cross that line.

Hard in the Paint
Speaking of PC culture it has also ruined Hip Hop and rap, at least for me. As you know, there are lyrics in a lot of those songs that I’m not allowed to sing out loud in public because of the color of my skin. So whenever the n-word comes up, I start saying it then I catch myself and say aww. So say Waka Flaka’s song Hard in the paint comes on, this is what it sounds like now thanks to PC culture.
FLAKA!
I go hard in the motherfucking paint, Nawwww [cross hands on first part, then up, then shrink]
Leave you stinking, Nawwwww
What the fuck you thinking, Nawww

Open Mics
Some of you may have seen me at open mics around Altspace, They are usually lots of fun but some times they are rough. Unlike with you great people here today.
I did a show the other day and for an all-ages, family friendly event there was far more heckling than one would expect. Even one of the hosts was taking shots at me.
I was doing some of my impressions, and this kid yells out “Do a Bill Cosby Impression!”
[pause] No, I’m pretty sure you can end up in jail for doing that.
Then his friend says “Do a Mike Tyson impression”
I said listen, why don’t both of you do your best impression of someone who is muted.

Another open mic
At this other open mic, I was one joke in, and this guy comes running up to loudly complain about how he “Has heard me tell that joke like 7 times now”
First, if I keep reusing it, that means people laughed the other 6 times, so don’t blame me, blame the people who keep laughing.
Second “Do you also go to concerts and complain when the musicians played songs you’ve heard before?”
I told a few more jokes and then someone opens a fucking portal right in the front, wow… take my ego down another peg, won’t you.
What’s with these portal people. If you aren’t having fun, just leave. You don’t need to start a mini revolution on your way out. Opens a portal right in the front”Hey everyone, this event sucks… who’s leaving with me????”
Normally people who drop portals get kicked out, but this time, the event host was busy so another 5 or 6 more people joined the portal and they all left. [another couple notches down for my ego]
Then, to top it all off, One woman loudly yelled out “YOU SUCK!”
Thats a classic right? I probably hear it once or twice a week and is really annoying, because anytime says “You Suck” I always have to stop and make sure everyone heard it? Okay, it wasn’t just the normal voices in my head.
Then she said something like how I look like shaved donkey balls, and I was like, well, maybe one of them, but you said balls_S_, which is not accurate. But she’s the expert on shaved donkey balls there was no point in arguing.

College Jackoff
When I was in university there was period of time where I had to stay in a dorm, and there was this small group of self-righteous pricks that tried to pass this expectation that we were all supposed to curb our auto-erotic behaviors. I told them, look, if you are going to have a problem with me jacking off, you can BLOW ME. Well, they never opened their mouths about it again.
And I am sure they didn’t want me to be a pain in their ass.

ended up coming
I love doing stand up. Some of you may know that before I was doing comedy, I used to run a support group for people who had trouble reaching orgasm… Even after all the effort I put in, nobody ended up coming!

MRA

This last bit I left to the end because it’s just so controversial. It’s about the myth of male priviledge.

Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of advantages of being a man… like being able to pee my name in the snow. Plus we don’t have to deal with menstruation and childbirth, both of which seem like horror films come to life.

But there are also disadvantages to being a man. The majority of homeless people are men. Men make up the majority of suicides. Over 90% of workplace deaths are men, and the same is true for males dying in the military. So, yea, men have privilidge, except in the trivial issue of… what’s it called… oh yea, staying alive!

What’s maybe the most tragic of this all is when groups try to advocate publicly about the rights of boys and men, they get silence and drowned out, called chauvinists, misogynists and even rapists.

Anyway, my point as a proponent of equal rights, what I want to see is for there to be More female suicides, more female workplace deaths, and more women dying in the military… right? Who is with me…. Anyone anyone?

Rosa Parks
I saw an advertisement celebrating the life of Rosa Parks. It started off as a really nice idea, but then they put the ad on the back of a bus.

Sean Connery
007 – Sean Connery passed away last year. Seeing all the jokes people are making and the general lack of empathy has left me shaken, but not stirred.
Alex Trebek
In ‘Other Sad News for 1000 please’, Alex Trebek also moved on to the big gameshow in the sky.
The venerable Mr Trebek was almost denied entry to heaven when he didn’t answer St. Peter in the form of a question.
David Blaine
Did you guys see that Magician David Blaine stunt called Ascension where he [hand fist] hung on to a bunch of helium filled balloons and [raise fist] floated 25000 up feet into the air. Sounds scary, but then again, a lot of single people have had their entire lives hanging on the line with just a small amount of latex for protection.
Bubbles
We have a bunch of new people here in altspace – who is new here?
Welcome, so great to see you all.
If you are new you may not know this, but this speech bubble over my head is a new feature. It shows up when we talk, and I like the addition. For one it’s way easier to pick out the idiot yelling out from a crowd of people.
Also because the voice communication in altspace is buggy, sometimes it can hard for me to to hear all of you.
But now with these bubbles, whenever a joke lands well, I get to see a sea of bubbles light up, as if you all suddenly thought of a good idea. [write it down before you forget it}
Of course, the inverse is also true. Before these bubbles, I could pretend that maybe you were all laughing but I just couldn’t hear. Now, I know for sure when you aren’t.
Normally treated like a croc in a care home, but great crowd.

Wet markets of wuhan. Snickers bar floating in a hot tub.

Is this thing on?
Pause…. Is this thing on? Remember that, when comedians would tap the mic and say is this thing on? Now, thanks to Altspace, we have a new one. Is this thing glitching? Am I glitching here?
I tend to rip on the Altspace dev team, mostly because I’ve been consistently disappointed by them for the past 5 years. But the reality is that Altspace is the best option out there… so whenever I complain about it, the dev’s can say to me “Well, sorry that the best multiplayer VR platform that has ever existed isn’t good enough for you. Why not go spend 20+ million and build your own then.
Menus
Have you ever accidentally snubbed one of your altspace friends… you are in your menu, you come out, see your friend slowly lower hand and turning away…
Whoops, my bad. They could easily add some kind of visual cue to show when someone is in their menu, like a box in front of their face.
But, sort of like with the bubbles, when my entire set starts going bad, I get to see a sea of black boxes as everyone looks to see what else is on.

Emergency Set
Welcome to VR Comedy… one minute you are watching the slow, the next minute… you ARE the show!
Get ready, if my mic cuts out, one of you might be next.

Living in the future
This is 2021, it seems unbelievable to me. All the sci-fi movies I watched growing up… the future they depicted… that is now. We are living in the future.
Who saw the boston dynamics latest video, 2 humanoid robots dancing with a robot dog. Incredible.
And the spacex rocket launches. Old rockets used to land, straight down. Newest one does this crazy belly flop/last minute flip before landing.
Seeing videos of these things, they look fake. Those dancing robots looked fake. Those rockets, they look fake. But I know they are real. If I saw that in a movie, I’d think it looked like shitty cgi.

Orgy
I’m only the first performers, there is still lots of funny people to come, so if you find my style isn’t to your liking, let me say the same thing to you that I might say to a reluctant group at an orgy. “Let’s just get through this and then you can all move on to someone better than me.”

I run an 18+ open mic event for comedy here in altspace, called SLICKS – find us sundays and tuesday evenings. I have all these one liners from our “Fill in the punchline segment”, where we look at simple joke setups, something like “Harry Potter walks into a doctors office” And we go through, as a group, to see how many punchlines we can create. Hear are some of them:

Harry Potter Walks into a doctor’s office… he has a bad case of genital hogwarts.

Harry Potter Walks into a Doctor’s Office… After overfilling his urine sample cup, the nurse said to him “You’re a wizzer, Harry!”

Frosty the Snowman walks into the doctors office. He had a bladder infection but the wait was so long there was nothing left but a puddle.

A gorilla walks into the doctors office. The doctor says “it says your stool sample was a bunch of long, yellow fruits”, and the gorilla says, yea, that’s why I am here. “My shit is bananas”

Thor walks into a Doctors Office, The doctor says “Besides developing a lisp, did you notice any other side effects of the miniaturization process? He says, well, I am a little Thor.

Eggshells
I like the one liners, because there’s just so little we can joke about these days, everything so PC, cancel culture everywhere.

I’d say it’s like walking on eggshells, but that’s now considered cruelty to animals.

I don’t do jokes about radical extremism… for some reason they always seem to bomb.

I never was the type of comedian to put my hands on any kind of sexual harassment jokes.

Fortunately, I never did have to take out anything to do with abortion. That stuff always got scrapped before becoming fully developed.

Hard in the Paint
Speaking of PC culture it has also ruined Hip Hop and rap, at least for me. [do we have any fans here?] As you know, there are lyrics in a lot of those songs that I’m not allowed to sing out loud in public because of the color of my skin. So whenever the n-word comes up, I start saying it then I catch myself and say aww. So say Waka Flaka’s song Hard in the paint comes on, this is what it sounds like now thanks to PC culture.
FLAKA!
I go hard in the motherfucking paint, Nawwww [cross hands on first part, then up, then shrink]
Leave you stinking, Nawwwww
What the fuck you thinking, Nawww

Happy Corona-versary everyone!
Yes, been 1 year since the lockdown begun…

Cleaning Offensive
Shopping the other day, handing off my cart and the employee grabs it and starts disinfecting it immediately. There was a time when a person would be offended… wtf, you think Im dirty? What, are you saying Im diseased? Motherfucker! But now adays, someone runs after you with a spray bottle, its like hey, that’s some fine customer service.

Moonwalk
At your grocery stores, do you guys all have those arrows on the floor telling you where to go? Anyone else been yelled for going the wrong way?
I’ve was thinking, there’s never been a better time to learn the moonwalk, Say there’s something like 15 feet away but the aisle is going the wrong way. [go to right side of stage, right hand out in front] You Back up to the aisle, cart out in front, and just Moonwalk your way back to get to what you need. [Move back, wave left hand], grab it and throw it in the cart “I was just picking up some bananas for my pet monkey, bubbles. Hee Hee.” Then you just Shamone your way out of there.

strong>Move right into a touchy subject: Masks

One last thing before I get out of here, I’m sure you heard recently that we should be wearing two masks instead of 1… I know, this is a great subject for a comedy club.

But, what I wanted to say, is if you are already worried that two masks aren’t enough… there is something you can do. I know a sure fire way to yourself. Here’s what you do… take a plastic garbage bag, wrap it around your head, and if you can get that seal nice and tight around your neck, you are 100% guaranteed to not die from the Coronovirus.

Disclaimer – you won’t die from coronovirus, but you will still die. I have to say that because some people are dumb enough to take medical advice they hear in a comedy club…
=================================================12 min set

Lap Dance
If you’ve been in altspace for a while, this has probably happen to you. When someone else doesn’t look around and they just park their ass whereever. You know, they just sort sit right on top of you, like you don’t even exist.
I used to get annoyed. but now I’ve turned it into a positive. And you can too. Now, if someone gets on top of you, be like me… think Oh boy, free Lap dance. Right? This used to porquet $20 and some of my dignity, but not anymore! Thanks VR!

Bald Asshole
It’s not all free lap dances here. The other day, I was checking out a mostly empty world, minding my own business, muted the whole time, flipping through menu about to leave, and I hear a woman’s voice say “Nice fucking soul patch, you bald asshole!”
I sat there stunned for a few moments, then I said “_Bald_ Asshole? Well if you prefer hairy assholes… I can certainly oblige you!

College Jackoff
When I was in university there was period of time where I had to stay in a dorm, and there was this small group of self-righteous pricks that tried to pass this expectation that we were all supposed to curb our auto-erotic behaviors. I told them, look, if you are going to have a problem with me jacking off, you can BLOW ME. Well, they never opened their mouths about it again.

ended up coming
I love doing stand up. Some of you may know that before I was doing comedy, I used to run a support group for people who had trouble reaching orgasm… Even after all the effort I put in, nobody ended up coming!

MRA

This last bit I left to the end because it’s just so controversial. It’s about the myth of male priviledge.

Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of advantages of being a man… like being able to pee my name in the snow. Plus we don’t have to deal with menstruation and childbirth, both of which seem like horror films come to life.

But there are also disadvantages to being a man. The majority of homeless people are men. Men make up the majority of suicides. Over 90% of workplace deaths are men, and the same is true for males dying in the military. So, yea, men have privilidge, except when it comes to the trivial issue of… staying alive!

Anyway, my point as a proponent of equal rights, what I want to see is for there to be More female suicides, more female workplace deaths, and more women dying in the military… right? Who is with me…. Anyone anyone?

My name is slick rick, I run an 18+ open mic event for comedy here in altspace, called slicks – find us sundays and tuesday evenings. I have all these one liners from the “Fill in the punchline segment”, where we look at simple joke setups, something like “Harry Potter walks into a doctors office” And we go through, as a group, to see how many punchlines we can create. Hear are some of them:

Harry Potter Walks into a doctor’s office… he has a bad case of genital hogwarts.
Harry Potter Walks into a Doctor’s Office… After overfilling his urine sample cup, the nurse said to him “You’re a wizzer, Harry!”
Frosty the Snowman walks into the doctors office. He had a bladder infection but the wait was so long there was nothing left but a puddle.
A gorilla walks into a bar, and starts swinging around on all the fixtures. The bouncer says “we don’t play like that here. Why don’t you try down the road at one of the monkey bars”
A gorilla walks into the doctors office. The doctor says “it says your stool sample was a bunch of long, yellow fruits”, and the gorilla says, yea, that’s why I am here. “My shit is bananas”

Gorilla
Im can tell some of you were thinking it… is this guy actually bald, or did he just spray a bunch of gorilla glue all over his head…

Just so we are clear, yes I am bald. But, as Golden Child can attest, Bald is Beautiful.
Plus, being a bald comic does make easier to come up with jokes right off the top of my head!

Orgy
Only have a few jokes to try out so if find my style isn’t to your liking, let me say the same thing to you that I might say to a reluctant group at an orgy. “Let’s just get through this and then you can all move on to someone better than me.”

Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods got into a car accident last week…
I’m sure you all heard his legs are not doing so well… he’s got a hole-in-one.
At least Tiger was considerate, as his car careened through the air, he was sure to yell “FORE!”

Vaccines
So, how do we feel about the vaccines, right? I’ve been wondering… do they ship them with the microchips already in, or do they sneak them in later?
Found out my dad has issues with the vaccines. It’s not the normal antivax nonsense, he problem is that it takes 2 shots. “When I was young, our immunizations only took one shot… and that was to polio…not this pansy ass ronavirus.

Cleaning Offensive
Shopping the other day, handing off my cart and the employee grabs it and starts disinfecting it immediately. There was a time when a person would be offended… wtf, you think Im dirty? What, are you saying Im diseased? Motherfucker! But now adays, someone runs after you with a spray bottle, its like hey, that’s some fine customer service.

Moonwalk
At your grocery stores, do you guys all have those arrows on the floor telling you where to go? Anyone else been yelled for going the wrong way?
I’ve was thinking, there’s never been a better time to learn the moonwalk, Say there’s something like 15 feet away but the aisle is going the wrong way. [go to right side of stage, right hand out in front] You Back up to the aisle, cart out in front, and just Moonwalk your way back to get to what you need. [Move back, wave left hand], grab it and throw it in the cart “I was just picking up some bananas for my pet monkey, bubbles. Hee Hee.” Then you just Shamone your way out of there.

strong>Move right into a touchy subject: Masks

One last thing before I get out of here, I’m sure you heard recently that we should be wearing two masks instead of 1… I know, this is a great subject for a comedy club.

But, what I wanted to say, is if you are already worried that two masks aren’t enough… there is something you can do. I know a sure fire way to yourself. Here’s what you do… take a plastic garbage bag, wrap it around your head, and if you can get that seal nice and tight around your neck, you are 100% guaranteed to not die from the Coronovirus.

Disclaimer – you won’t die from coronovirus, but you will still die. I have to say that because some people are dumb enough to take medical advice they hear in a comedy club…